Russian President Vladimir Putin is expected to use the Olympic closing ceremony today as a platform to demonstrate Russia’s continued status as a world superpower by revealing their most recent scientific endeavour. Russian scientists, as part of the Climate And Meteorology Programme (CAMP) in Moscow, have discovered a new method of weather control, a method which few outside the country have even considered, let alone had the resources to carry out: controlling the homosexual population.
With the Defence of Marriage Act (DOMA) being ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Courts, and same sex marriage being legalised in England and Wales, homosexuals and reasonable people around the world have been celebrating en flamboyant masse. Homophobes, however, are struggling to cope with such a drastic change to their world-view; bewildered and befuddled by their sudden free time, they can be seen roaming the land clinging on to whatever bigotry remains, including mispronouncing foreign names on purpose, reminiscing about when corner shops were only owned by whites, and reading the Daily Mail. As a group, homophobes tend to be focused on intercourse that does not involve them, so a large influx into the field of panda conservation has been observed. The WWF hopes that the Homophobes will bring with them “Organisation, determination, passion, bigotry and ignorance.”