Science Solved, Academics Struggle to Adjust

Science was finally solved last Wednesday at around 10 am (Central European Time) by Sir Paul Nurse (Nobel Laureate, President of the Royal Society, Heat magazine’s ‘Sexiest Fission Yeast Biologist’). Sir Paul (Sir, to his friends) was visiting the CERN facility near Geneva where he is reported to have ‘snorted the [still radioactive] ashes of Marie Curie before falling into a beam of protons being accelerated by the Large Hadron Collider’. He stumbled out saying repeatedly ‘I’ve done it’ and then wrote a single equation onto a chalkboard without mentioning the number ’42’ once.

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Chinese Moon Rover Flips Off American Counterpart

On 14th December, 2013 at 13:11, GMT, China’s Chang’e 3 spacecraft shut off its engines and plunged to the surface of the moon. With this descent China has become the third country to land a craft of the Moon, with the last being the Soviet Union’s Luna 24 in 1976.

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PM Urges Tighter Regulations on Neutrinos

After successfully defending the nation’s children from pornography (and dating, drugs, alcohol, tobacco, file sharing, gambling, games, social networking, suicide, self-harm, weapons, violence, socialism, hats and clouds) whilst not actually needing parents to do anything the British Primer Minister has a new target. Neutrinos.

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Scientists and Public Awed as Fertilised Zygote Comes to Term

Today [22nd of July], the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a baby boy, much to the surprise of both the public and academia alike. The baby was born at 16:24 BST at St Mary’s hospital in Paddington; an event so shocking that the Queen’s gynaecologist Marcus Setchell was gobsmacked to find that the hospital was “even prepared for an event like this” especially since “this doesn’t happen everyday”. The baby is believed to have started as a single cell before undergoing many, at least 12, cell divisions before reaching its current state.

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Tour de France Cyclist Collapses as Circulatory System Found to Lack Actual Blood

In the latest damaging development to tarnish the previously spotless reputation of international cycling, French rider Cyril Gautier fell from his bike in exhaustion earlier today during stage 19 of the Tour de France, and it was later revealed that, in alignment with the current wave of transhumanism sweeping the world of cycling, he had attempted to replace all of the blood in his body with a cocktail of performance-enhancing drugs.

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Homophobes Called in to Save the Panda

With the Defence of Marriage Act (DOMA) being ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Courts, and same sex marriage being legalised in England and Wales, homosexuals and reasonable people around the world have been celebrating en flamboyant masse. Homophobes, however, are struggling to cope with such a drastic change to their world-view; bewildered and befuddled by their sudden free time, they can be seen roaming the land clinging on to whatever bigotry remains, including mispronouncing foreign names on purpose, reminiscing about when corner shops were only owned by whites, and reading the Daily Mail. As a group, homophobes tend to be focused on intercourse that does not involve them, so a large influx into the field of panda conservation has been observed. The WWF hopes that the Homophobes will bring with them “Organisation, determination, passion, bigotry and ignorance.”

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New Pope to be Chosen by Celebrity MasterChef

Sources from Vatican City have stunned the world on Monday, not only by announcing His Holiness Benedict XVI had resigned, but also that the next pope would be selected from a list of candidates participating in a special edition of Celebrity MasterChef.

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Scientist Admits to Playing God

Dr David Coeles, a geneticist at the Cavendish Laboratory at the University of Cambridge, has revealed that he has been “playing God” for the past few years.

Dr. Coeles admits “flirting” with the idea much earlier, having being previously accused of playing God by anti-GM protestors worried that his “apples of knowledge” would cross breed with less “intelligently designed” apples. However, after his most recently published paper “Garden of E. coli” (Nature 494), Dr. Coeles admitted “I am the Way the Truth and the Electromagnetic Radiation.”

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Science in 2012 – A Review

“As a layman, I would now say, ‘I think we have it.’ Do you agree?”

These were the words of Rolf-Dieter Heuer, director-general of the particle physics laboratory CERN in Switzerland, on July 4th 2012, and officially announced the discovery of the long-sought Higgs Boson particle. But while evidence for the existence of the ‘God particle’ may have been the breakthrough of the year (if not the decade), there have been plenty of science stories grabbing headlines, both for innovation and controversy. Read on for a reminder of the stories you saw, and a few that may have slipped past you as well.

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Sound Barrier Damaged Beyond Repair as Thrill-Seeker Goes Supersonic

In what is believed to be the first case of its kind, Austrian daredevil Felix Baumgartner has been charged with extravehicular speeding after jumping from the edge of space, sources confirmed on Sunday.

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