Hurricane Matthew Destroys Every Relationship He Touches

Yet another relationship has ended in disaster for Matthew, a 14 day-old hurricane from the Caribbean, as he could do nothing but watch his destructive tendencies spiral out of control, blocking any chance he had of ever reigniting the romance he shared with a local Tropical Storm, Lisa. Continue reading “Hurricane Matthew Destroys Every Relationship He Touches”

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Fish Undergoes Sex Change in Biologically Encoded Process

The world was left reeling last week when the clownfish Marlin, of Finding Nemo fame, revealed that he transitioned to a female following the tragic death of mating partner Coral, as is entirely normal and natural for members of the Amphiprion ocellaris species.

Continue reading “Fish Undergoes Sex Change in Biologically Encoded Process”

Local Teenager Totally has a Subatomic Girlfriend, Trust Us

Local boy Sam Smith, 17, was heard in the playground loudly claiming that he ‘so does have a girlfriend’ and that she’s ‘well fit and up for it, all the time’. When asked why none of the other students had ever seen her, Mr. Smith was heard to reply ‘…you can’t observe her because she might collapse into a less sexy state. Did I mention she’s very sexy? Because she is.’

Continue reading “Local Teenager Totally has a Subatomic Girlfriend, Trust Us”

Russia’s Olympic Closing Ceremony Springboards Weather Change Plan

Russian President Vladimir Putin is expected to use the Olympic closing ceremony today as a platform to demonstrate Russia’s continued status as a world superpower by revealing their most recent scientific endeavour.  Russian scientists, as part of the Climate And Meteorology Programme (CAMP) in Moscow, have discovered a new method of weather control, a method which few outside the country have even considered, let alone had the resources to carry out: controlling the homosexual population.

Continue reading “Russia’s Olympic Closing Ceremony Springboards Weather Change Plan”

Scientists and Public Awed as Fertilised Zygote Comes to Term

Today [22nd of July], the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a baby boy, much to the surprise of both the public and academia alike. The baby was born at 16:24 BST at St Mary’s hospital in Paddington; an event so shocking that the Queen’s gynaecologist Marcus Setchell was gobsmacked to find that the hospital was “even prepared for an event like this” especially since “this doesn’t happen everyday”. The baby is believed to have started as a single cell before undergoing many, at least 12, cell divisions before reaching its current state.

Continue reading “Scientists and Public Awed as Fertilised Zygote Comes to Term”

Homophobes Called in to Save the Panda

With the Defence of Marriage Act (DOMA) being ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Courts, and same sex marriage being legalised in England and Wales, homosexuals and reasonable people around the world have been celebrating en flamboyant masse. Homophobes, however, are struggling to cope with such a drastic change to their world-view; bewildered and befuddled by their sudden free time, they can be seen roaming the land clinging on to whatever bigotry remains, including mispronouncing foreign names on purpose, reminiscing about when corner shops were only owned by whites, and reading the Daily Mail. As a group, homophobes tend to be focused on intercourse that does not involve them, so a large influx into the field of panda conservation has been observed. The WWF hopes that the Homophobes will bring with them “Organisation, determination, passion, bigotry and ignorance.”

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Survey Reveals Scientists Make the Best Lovers

Dr Rose Cypris is a psychologist from the University of Rome who, until a month ago, was virtually unknown in the world of science.  That all changed with the publishing of her paper “Social Interactions Most Successful among Scientists” (Nature, Volume 476).  The paper details the results of an extensive study which documented the carnal relations of thousands of professionals.  The empirical and unbiased data clearly shows that those who partner with scientists report the highest feelings of satisfaction.

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Medical Scientist Finally Discovers Empirical Location for G-spot

The G-spot: a female erogenous zone often cloaked in mystery.  Previous reports have concluded that the fabled spot is not a fixed structure, merely the result of opinion and cultural influence.  This is set to change with the recent findings of Dale Urton from the Saint George’s University in London. Continue reading “Medical Scientist Finally Discovers Empirical Location for G-spot”