NHS cancels treatments to improve patient survival rates

The NHS has announced plans to cancel thousands of treatments across the country in a bold attempt to improve survival rates of its patients.

The NHS has struggled with public sector cuts implemented over the last decade, and is still expected to save further billions of pounds. NHS bosses believe this policy could be the key both to attaining those savings and to reaching treatment targets.

“Essentially we will simply stop treating the most ill and desperate patients. Once they’re off our books, not only will we not have to pay for their treatment anymore, but also their imminent demises won’t negatively impact our records,” explains Professor Sir Bruce Keogh, National Medical Director of NHS England. “Such a straightforward idea; we should have thought of it years ago!”

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Scots Fail to Become New Species as British Breeding Capability Remains

Disappointment rippled across the world of taxonomy today as it was revealed that the first organism to emerge in thousands of years with the potential to be a new hominid failed to meet the criteria required to be classified as a separate species. The results of the analysis, published in the Journal of Evolutionary Biology early on Friday morning, showed that at least 55% of the geographically distinct subspecies Homo sapiens scotia were still capable of mating with the closely related subspecies known as ‘the British’, thus failing to reach the benchmark required to be reclassified.

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PM Urges Tighter Regulations on Neutrinos

After successfully defending the nation’s children from pornography (and dating, drugs, alcohol, tobacco, file sharing, gambling, games, social networking, suicide, self-harm, weapons, violence, socialism, hats and clouds) whilst not actually needing parents to do anything the British Primer Minister has a new target. Neutrinos.

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Conservative Gene Highly Conserved Among Conservatives

This past month has been deemed the worst month of the Con-Dem Government. The majority of unpopular decisions rest with the Conservative party, and the overwhelming public opinion that Tories are living up faithfully to the “Toff” moniker so many of their political opponents were quick to label them.

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Wikipedia Blackout, Senators Now Unsure What They’re Voting On

Congressmen across the US admit they’re not entirely sure which way to vote, after the online encyclopaedia website Wikipedia, amongst others, decided to go on a 24 hour blackout today in protest of the upcoming SOPA and PIPA bills. The website, usually a beaming beacon of intellect and reliable sources[1], is often where politicians look for answers to topics they are unfamiliar with, such as science, history and politics.

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