NHS cancels treatments to improve patient survival rates

The NHS has announced plans to cancel thousands of treatments across the country in a bold attempt to improve survival rates of its patients.

The NHS has struggled with public sector cuts implemented over the last decade, and is still expected to save further billions of pounds. NHS bosses believe this policy could be the key both to attaining those savings and to reaching treatment targets.

“Essentially we will simply stop treating the most ill and desperate patients. Once they’re off our books, not only will we not have to pay for their treatment anymore, but also their imminent demises won’t negatively impact our records,” explains Professor Sir Bruce Keogh, National Medical Director of NHS England. “Such a straightforward idea; we should have thought of it years ago!”

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World Looks on in Horror as Anti-Necrotic Resistance in Zombies becomes ‘Global Threat’

Zombies have now been found to be resistant to the majority of standard anti-necrotics.

“Walkers now seem to be immune to shotguns, flamethrowers, katanas and some are even impervious to chainsaws attached to hands,” explains Dr Ashcroft of Undead Monster Brain Removal Enterprise Limited, Los Angeles (UMBRELLA).

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Dylan, Shakespeare and Brexit Unlikely Winners in 2016’s Nobel Announcements

The Nobel Prize was established by explosive Swedish inventor Alfred Nobel in the late 19th century, and has been awarded to some of the greatest minds to ever exist in science and literature in the last 100 years. Ignorance is Bliss News has rounded up 2016’s winners below.

Physics

Singer-songwriter Bob Dylan, for his set of equations which have described natural phenomena in a remarkably wide range of fields.  Dylan’s 115th Law allows for the estimation of the distance travelled by a male human before he reaches manhood (at least 12 roads), and how many deaths it takes before western society decides that too many have died (only one, providing it’s a sufficiently young child).  Continue reading “Dylan, Shakespeare and Brexit Unlikely Winners in 2016’s Nobel Announcements”

Fish Undergoes Sex Change in Biologically Encoded Process

The world was left reeling last week when the clownfish Marlin, of Finding Nemo fame, revealed that he transitioned to a female following the tragic death of mating partner Coral, as is entirely normal and natural for members of the Amphiprion ocellaris species.

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Scots Fail to Become New Species as British Breeding Capability Remains

Disappointment rippled across the world of taxonomy today as it was revealed that the first organism to emerge in thousands of years with the potential to be a new hominid failed to meet the criteria required to be classified as a separate species. The results of the analysis, published in the Journal of Evolutionary Biology early on Friday morning, showed that at least 55% of the geographically distinct subspecies Homo sapiens scotia were still capable of mating with the closely related subspecies known as ‘the British’, thus failing to reach the benchmark required to be reclassified.

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Autism Injection Challenge has Unexpected Side Effect

The latest viral craze to sweep across social media is the so-called ‘Autism Injection Challenge’. The challenge involves the participants injecting themselves with the MMR vaccination and donating to an Autism charity of their choice before challenging three others. The MMR vaccination, as documented by journalists, will eventually give the participants autism, so the challenge hopes to raise awareness as well as funds.

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Scientists and Public Awed as Fertilised Zygote Comes to Term

Today [22nd of July], the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a baby boy, much to the surprise of both the public and academia alike. The baby was born at 16:24 BST at St Mary’s hospital in Paddington; an event so shocking that the Queen’s gynaecologist Marcus Setchell was gobsmacked to find that the hospital was “even prepared for an event like this” especially since “this doesn’t happen everyday”. The baby is believed to have started as a single cell before undergoing many, at least 12, cell divisions before reaching its current state.

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Tour de France Cyclist Collapses as Circulatory System Found to Lack Actual Blood

In the latest damaging development to tarnish the previously spotless reputation of international cycling, French rider Cyril Gautier fell from his bike in exhaustion earlier today during stage 19 of the Tour de France, and it was later revealed that, in alignment with the current wave of transhumanism sweeping the world of cycling, he had attempted to replace all of the blood in his body with a cocktail of performance-enhancing drugs.

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Homophobes Called in to Save the Panda

With the Defence of Marriage Act (DOMA) being ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Courts, and same sex marriage being legalised in England and Wales, homosexuals and reasonable people around the world have been celebrating en flamboyant masse. Homophobes, however, are struggling to cope with such a drastic change to their world-view; bewildered and befuddled by their sudden free time, they can be seen roaming the land clinging on to whatever bigotry remains, including mispronouncing foreign names on purpose, reminiscing about when corner shops were only owned by whites, and reading the Daily Mail. As a group, homophobes tend to be focused on intercourse that does not involve them, so a large influx into the field of panda conservation has been observed. The WWF hopes that the Homophobes will bring with them “Organisation, determination, passion, bigotry and ignorance.”

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Scientist Admits to Playing God

Dr David Coeles, a geneticist at the Cavendish Laboratory at the University of Cambridge, has revealed that he has been “playing God” for the past few years.

Dr. Coeles admits “flirting” with the idea much earlier, having being previously accused of playing God by anti-GM protestors worried that his “apples of knowledge” would cross breed with less “intelligently designed” apples. However, after his most recently published paper “Garden of E. coli” (Nature 494), Dr. Coeles admitted “I am the Way the Truth and the Electromagnetic Radiation.”

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