World Looks on in Horror as Anti-Necrotic Resistance in Zombies becomes ‘Global Threat’

Zombies have now been found to be resistant to the majority of standard anti-necrotics.

“Walkers now seem to be immune to shotguns, flamethrowers, katanas and some are even impervious to chainsaws attached to hands,” explains Dr Ashcroft of Undead Monster Brain Removal Enterprise Limited, Los Angeles (UMBRELLA).

Continue reading “World Looks on in Horror as Anti-Necrotic Resistance in Zombies becomes ‘Global Threat’”

Dylan, Shakespeare and Brexit Unlikely Winners in 2016’s Nobel Announcements

The Nobel Prize was established by explosive Swedish inventor Alfred Nobel in the late 19th century, and has been awarded to some of the greatest minds to ever exist in science and literature in the last 100 years. Ignorance is Bliss News has rounded up 2016’s winners below.

Physics

Singer-songwriter Bob Dylan, for his set of equations which have described natural phenomena in a remarkably wide range of fields.  Dylan’s 115th Law allows for the estimation of the distance travelled by a male human before he reaches manhood (at least 12 roads), and how many deaths it takes before western society decides that too many have died (only one, providing it’s a sufficiently young child).  Continue reading “Dylan, Shakespeare and Brexit Unlikely Winners in 2016’s Nobel Announcements”

Ignorance is Bliss TV: Controlling What You Watch, and When You Watch It, Part II

Welcome, faithful Cause and Effect reader. Following the recent success of our broadcasting schedule for the new medium of Television, Ignorance is Bliss TV has returned for more high-quality viewing. See below for the full list of programmes.

Continue reading “Ignorance is Bliss TV: Controlling What You Watch, and When You Watch It, Part II”

Scientists Suggest Superluminal Santa

Scientist at the OPERA (Oslo Polar Electromagnetic Resonance Analyser) in Norway have detected the common reindeer, Rangifer tarandus, travelling faster than the speed of light.  A fundamental law of physics, proposed by Albert Einstein, is that nothing is able to travel faster than 299,792,458 meters per second.

The OPERA is part of a lesser known collaboration between Scandinavian scientific research institutes known as CERN (Centre for the Experimentation of the Real and Not-real).  OPERA falls safely into the “N” category.  OPERA lies 1,400 metres beneath the University of Oslo’s department of Theoretical Astrophysics.  This latest experiment was a combined effort between the University’s Astrophysics department, who designed the 1800 tonne detector (an array of electronics and carrots that reindeer are found of), maintain the 73km track which the reindeer travel along and analyse the complex results once the Reindeer reach the detector, and the University’s Animal Management department who supplied the carrots. Continue reading “Scientists Suggest Superluminal Santa”

Mothers’ Sayings Turn Out to be True, Boy with Square Eyes Discovers

This past week traditional mothers’ sayings are turning out to be true and influencing real life. The discovery was initially made by 8 year old Jason Cracknell, who, despite repeated warnings by his mother, realised that he had square eyes after “sitting in front of that damn screen” for 6 hours straight. Continue reading “Mothers’ Sayings Turn Out to be True, Boy with Square Eyes Discovers”

Conservationist Unveils New Plan to Boost Funds and Interest in Conservation

Conservation is a thankless task.  Those you save are unable to communicate their gratitude, you fight the giants of industry and ignorance and you are completely reliant on donations.  In these times of economic uncertainty it is movements like conservationism that are hit the hardest.

Arthur Turnure, a magazine editor, sets to change this by using his knowledge of the glamour magazine industry to increase the money flowing into conservation.  He was elected Artistic Director of the World Wildlife Foundation (WWF) one year ago.  His first plan, “Kiss or Cull” was immediately implemented at the Kaziranga Tiger reserve in India.  The plan involves removing the “least adorable, least cool and least majestic animals” in a population and selectively breeding the most aesthetically pleasing. Continue reading “Conservationist Unveils New Plan to Boost Funds and Interest in Conservation”

Scientists Called In to Help Hunt for Gaddafi

After six months of fighting, the rebel forces finally invaded the Libyan capital of Tripoli. However, there is still unrest in the capital with reports of gunfights on the streets, though many feel  that the pro-Gaddafi forces will lose morale if Gaddafi himself is captured.  Intelligence services remain adamant that he has not left the country, leaving just 679,362 square miles to search.  The British government has turned to the scientific community for help.

Dr George Marsh, an ecologist from the University of Kent, was the first to accept the call.  His plan is known, officially, as “Quantative Understanding And Description of Rarely Apprehended Tyrants” (QUADRAT).  The QUADRAT system works by sampling a small area and then scaling these observations up for the entire country.

Continue reading “Scientists Called In to Help Hunt for Gaddafi”

Survey Reveals Scientists Make the Best Lovers

Dr Rose Cypris is a psychologist from the University of Rome who, until a month ago, was virtually unknown in the world of science.  That all changed with the publishing of her paper “Social Interactions Most Successful among Scientists” (Nature, Volume 476).  The paper details the results of an extensive study which documented the carnal relations of thousands of professionals.  The empirical and unbiased data clearly shows that those who partner with scientists report the highest feelings of satisfaction.

Continue reading “Survey Reveals Scientists Make the Best Lovers”

Logger Once Again Kills a Species that Could Have Saved Lives

It’s been reported that a selfish Brazilian logger recently destroyed a rare species of plant, found only in the Amazon rainforest, which could have cured generations to come from a fatal illness, had its medicinal properties been fully realised. Continue reading “Logger Once Again Kills a Species that Could Have Saved Lives”