NHS cancels treatments to improve patient survival rates

The NHS has announced plans to cancel thousands of treatments across the country in a bold attempt to improve survival rates of its patients.

The NHS has struggled with public sector cuts implemented over the last decade, and is still expected to save further billions of pounds. NHS bosses believe this policy could be the key both to attaining those savings and to reaching treatment targets.

“Essentially we will simply stop treating the most ill and desperate patients. Once they’re off our books, not only will we not have to pay for their treatment anymore, but also their imminent demises won’t negatively impact our records,” explains Professor Sir Bruce Keogh, National Medical Director of NHS England. “Such a straightforward idea; we should have thought of it years ago!”

Continue reading “NHS cancels treatments to improve patient survival rates”

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Ignorance is Bliss TV – Stream of Ignorance

We here at Ignorance at Bliss always have our fingers on the pulse of the latest cultural trends. And it just so happens that nowadays you can get televisions inside personal computers. So, in a desperate bid to remain relevant, we present to you Stream of Ignorance (not to be confused Theresa May’s Brexit strategy), the best place on the internet for on-demand programming.

Stranger Strings – When a young boy disappears, his mother and friends must venture into a realm made up of 12 dimensions in order to get him back. Horror/abstract thought may be disturbing for young viewers/engineers. Continue reading “Ignorance is Bliss TV – Stream of Ignorance”

World Looks on in Horror as Anti-Necrotic Resistance in Zombies becomes ‘Global Threat’

Zombies have now been found to be resistant to the majority of standard anti-necrotics.

“Walkers now seem to be immune to shotguns, flamethrowers, katanas and some are even impervious to chainsaws attached to hands,” explains Dr Ashcroft of Undead Monster Brain Removal Enterprise Limited, Los Angeles (UMBRELLA).

Continue reading “World Looks on in Horror as Anti-Necrotic Resistance in Zombies becomes ‘Global Threat’”

Dylan, Shakespeare and Brexit Unlikely Winners in 2016’s Nobel Announcements

The Nobel Prize was established by explosive Swedish inventor Alfred Nobel in the late 19th century, and has been awarded to some of the greatest minds to ever exist in science and literature in the last 100 years. Ignorance is Bliss News has rounded up 2016’s winners below.

Physics

Singer-songwriter Bob Dylan, for his set of equations which have described natural phenomena in a remarkably wide range of fields.  Dylan’s 115th Law allows for the estimation of the distance travelled by a male human before he reaches manhood (at least 12 roads), and how many deaths it takes before western society decides that too many have died (only one, providing it’s a sufficiently young child).  Continue reading “Dylan, Shakespeare and Brexit Unlikely Winners in 2016’s Nobel Announcements”

Hurricane Matthew Destroys Every Relationship He Touches

Yet another relationship has ended in disaster for Matthew, a 14 day-old hurricane from the Caribbean, as he could do nothing but watch his destructive tendencies spiral out of control, blocking any chance he had of ever reigniting the romance he shared with a local Tropical Storm, Lisa. Continue reading “Hurricane Matthew Destroys Every Relationship He Touches”

Fish Undergoes Sex Change in Biologically Encoded Process

The world was left reeling last week when the clownfish Marlin, of Finding Nemo fame, revealed that he transitioned to a female following the tragic death of mating partner Coral, as is entirely normal and natural for members of the Amphiprion ocellaris species.

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Local Teenager Totally has a Subatomic Girlfriend, Trust Us

Local boy Sam Smith, 17, was heard in the playground loudly claiming that he ‘so does have a girlfriend’ and that she’s ‘well fit and up for it, all the time’. When asked why none of the other students had ever seen her, Mr. Smith was heard to reply ‘…you can’t observe her because she might collapse into a less sexy state. Did I mention she’s very sexy? Because she is.’

Continue reading “Local Teenager Totally has a Subatomic Girlfriend, Trust Us”

Scots Fail to Become New Species as British Breeding Capability Remains

Disappointment rippled across the world of taxonomy today as it was revealed that the first organism to emerge in thousands of years with the potential to be a new hominid failed to meet the criteria required to be classified as a separate species. The results of the analysis, published in the Journal of Evolutionary Biology early on Friday morning, showed that at least 55% of the geographically distinct subspecies Homo sapiens scotia were still capable of mating with the closely related subspecies known as ‘the British’, thus failing to reach the benchmark required to be reclassified.

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Autism Injection Challenge has Unexpected Side Effect

The latest viral craze to sweep across social media is the so-called ‘Autism Injection Challenge’. The challenge involves the participants injecting themselves with the MMR vaccination and donating to an Autism charity of their choice before challenging three others. The MMR vaccination, as documented by journalists, will eventually give the participants autism, so the challenge hopes to raise awareness as well as funds.

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Russia’s Olympic Closing Ceremony Springboards Weather Change Plan

Russian President Vladimir Putin is expected to use the Olympic closing ceremony today as a platform to demonstrate Russia’s continued status as a world superpower by revealing their most recent scientific endeavour.  Russian scientists, as part of the Climate And Meteorology Programme (CAMP) in Moscow, have discovered a new method of weather control, a method which few outside the country have even considered, let alone had the resources to carry out: controlling the homosexual population.

Continue reading “Russia’s Olympic Closing Ceremony Springboards Weather Change Plan”