NHS cancels treatments to improve patient survival rates

The NHS has announced plans to cancel thousands of treatments across the country in a bold attempt to improve survival rates of its patients.

The NHS has struggled with public sector cuts implemented over the last decade, and is still expected to save further billions of pounds. NHS bosses believe this policy could be the key both to attaining those savings and to reaching treatment targets.

“Essentially we will simply stop treating the most ill and desperate patients. Once they’re off our books, not only will we not have to pay for their treatment anymore, but also their imminent demises won’t negatively impact our records,” explains Professor Sir Bruce Keogh, National Medical Director of NHS England. “Such a straightforward idea; we should have thought of it years ago!”

“And of course it should require only a very short transition period and minimum bureaucracy to implement. After all, when it comes to failing in patient care, the NHS already has years of experience.”

Some questions have been raised over the exact illnesses and conditions that will no longer be covered by the NHS. “Luckily those apprehensions have been raised by the very people we no longer need concern ourselves with,” says Ian Dodge, Strategy and Innovation Director. Complaints are expected to drop off rapidly over the winter.

Dodge goes on to say: “Easily treated conditions such as broken bones and sexually transmitted infections will continue to receive attention, and we want to stress that A&E services will remain completely unaffected, where we have already been ignoring patients for years.”

Fake Trump tweet
Reactions to the news on Twitter have been mixed

The public has also been advised that the NHS will continue its investment in homeopathic treatments, as that “seems too promising to cut off now.”

“We will, however, stop the treatment of mental health conditions, as they’re not really proper illnesses are they? Terminal cancers will also cease to be under our remit, and naturally palliative care will need to be borne by younger relatives,” explains Dodge.

“Alternatively, we can provide a one-way ticket to Dignitas for a small fee,” Dodge continues.

It has also been confirmed that drug rehabilitation patients will no longer be treated, and instead will be sent to prison, a move the government has praised as “visionary”.

Secretary of State for Health Jeremy Hunt has applauded the announcement, suggesting it was “just the shake-up the NHS needed” and that it will now “free up those pesky junior doctors to work weekends.”

However, voters are concerned that the cuts to health services might already be taking their toll, with Theresa May displaying a nasty cough late last week.

Ryan

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