Zombies have now been found to be resistant to the majority of standard anti-necrotics.
“Walkers now seem to be immune to shotguns, flamethrowers, katanas and some are even impervious to chainsaws attached to hands,” explains Dr Ashcroft of Undead Monster Brain Removal Enterprise Limited, Los Angeles (UMBRELLA).
The increase in anti-necrotic resistance is thought to be, in part, the result of doctors prescribing treatment for zombies when patients were in fact suffering from vampire-related symptoms.
Dr Abraham Van Helsing MD, a GP from Whitby, has defended the practice, saying “We know that patients just need a garlic-light diet and to stay out of sunlight but they won’t stop complaining. The easiest solution is always to just deliver shotgun shells at high speed to get rid of them”. Doctors worldwide have expressed sympathy.
So why are there no new anti-necrotics?
A spooks-person for Ghost and Supernatural Killers (GSK) has explained that “any new last resort measures would rarely be used, meaning we would never make back our initial investments”.
“Plus there’s the issue of specificity when developing new treatments. Zombies aren’t like vampires where one-stake-fits-all. Sure, swords of obsidian and dragonfire are effective on corpses which have risen from icy graves in the cold reaches of the north, but what about virally infected biters from government laboratories?”
“Our advice now is the same as it has always been to those fighting hordes of the undead: cardio, double tap and don’t be a hero.”
Noted online conspiracy theorist known only as NosferaTruth posted “Big pharma doesn’t cure diseases, just treats long term conditions. Like giving werewolves monthly de-furring instead of one time silver bullet”.
In other news, the world’s media continue to ignore the looming spectre of antibiotic resistance which will prevent us from carrying out even the simplest of medical procedures.
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