Dylan, Shakespeare and Brexit Unlikely Winners in 2016’s Nobel Announcements

The Nobel Prize was established by explosive Swedish inventor Alfred Nobel in the late 19th century, and has been awarded to some of the greatest minds to ever exist in science and literature in the last 100 years. Ignorance is Bliss News has rounded up 2016’s winners below.

Physics

Singer-songwriter Bob Dylan, for his set of equations which have described natural phenomena in a remarkably wide range of fields.  Dylan’s 115th Law allows for the estimation of the distance travelled by a male human before he reaches manhood (at least 12 roads), and how many deaths it takes before western society decides that too many have died (only one, providing it’s a sufficiently young child). 

Literature

Geologist Dr Dave Smith, for his lyrical masterpiece entitled “Calcium content of pre-Cambrian shale in West Derbyshire”. The article was peer reviewed and has been described as “timeless and effortlessly beautiful prose” (Reviewer 1) and “a waste of everyone’s time” (Reviewer 3).

Physiology and Medicine

William Shakespeare (University of Stratford), the first poet to win in this category, for his studies in the behavioural conditioning required to tame shrews and other small mammals.  Edgar Allen Poe was the previous bookies’ favourite with his studies into the lexicon of ravens.

bruce-springsteen
Bruce Springsteen (pictured) previously won the prize in Physiology and Medicine for his studies of the innate bias of the fight or flight response, which revealed that most animals are “born to run”

Peace

Donald J Trump, for taking on the Devil herself in recent presidential debates and in the hope that, if he were to become president, the endless conflicts he would inevitably create would provide fertile ground for legions of future Nobel Peace Prize winners.

Economics

Dire Straits are still heavy favourites for their economics treatise on quantitative easing entitled “Money for Nothing”.

Chemistry

The UK’s Brexit Campaign, for their research into alchemy and the demonstration of the conversion of 350 million gold coins every week into fuck all without using a single NHS hospital.

 

Liam

Is like a rolling stone

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