Hurricane Matthew Destroys Every Relationship He Touches

Yet another relationship has ended in disaster for Matthew, a 14 day-old hurricane from the Caribbean, as he could do nothing but watch his destructive tendencies spiral out of control, blocking any chance he had of ever reigniting the romance he shared with a local Tropical Storm, Lisa.

Matthew, whose friends have described him as a 145mph destructive behemoth, has recently bounced from one short-lived relationship to another across the Caribbean and Florida.

3-hurricanes
Matthew tried dabbling in polygamy, but it ended in disaster for everyone involved

“I try to just be myself really, although it turns out that myself is a 250 mile-wide twisting storm of death, which I appreciate can be hard to understand when first starting out in a relationship,” the hurricane explained as he tore apart a local school.

“I’m just in a really turbulent place at the moment,” he added, leaving a trail of devastation and a humanitarian catastrophe in his wake.

Despite his recent bad luck, Matthew is still putting himself out there, trying to meet people from different backgrounds.

“I tried dating a Martian dust storm once, but it was like she was from a different planet. Plus meeting on dry land all the time really sapped my strength, y’know?” the Category 4 storm bemoaned, hurtling livestock into the sea.

“Plus she can only survive in a zero-water environment. It was really a non-starter to be honest”

Matthew is even looking to technology to help him in his search for love, trying out modern internet dating sites.

“I’ve been talking to a girl on [storm dating app] Windr recently. We’ve met up a couple times, just for a bit of fun really. Let’s just say our storm fronts crossed paths,” he said with a wink of his eye, decimating eastern Florida in the process.

However, when reached for a comment recently, the now post-tropical cyclone was not optimistic about their future together. “She’s young and exciting and has exceptional destructive power, but we want different things; I’m looking to settle down.”

When last seen, Matthew was heading off into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, heard wondering if climate could “really change”.

Ryan

If you’d like to donate to the victims of Hurricane Matthew, click here

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