Russian President Vladimir Putin is expected to use the Olympic closing ceremony today as a platform to demonstrate Russia’s continued status as a world superpower by revealing their most recent scientific endeavour. Russian scientists, as part of the Climate And Meteorology Programme (CAMP) in Moscow, have discovered a new method of weather control, a method which few outside the country have even considered, let alone had the resources to carry out: controlling the homosexual population.
While previous weather control attempts have sought to regulate the atmospheric conditions through more conventional means such as cloud seeding, the control of homosexuals leads to indirect weather control by manipulating the power of God, a well-known and vocal homophobe. Extinguishing a particular population for the good of one country has of course been tried before though: Germany is the most recent example, also using an Olympic games to demonstrate their success. Germany had the aim of improving their sense of humour and the results speak for themselves – something Russia is now trying to emulate.
“Russia has nothing but ice,” Russian president Vladimir Putin explained, while standing on the head of a child. “We need good weather to fulfil our goal of being a popular tourist destination, like the south of France, Florida or Brighton. Except not Brighton; too many gays.”
“For too long we have had awful weather. I think it started with that t.A.T.u song; if you watch the music video, it’s raining there too,” said the ex-KGB member, who in his spare time enjoys hunting, fishing, ignoring the west and paying off international authorities.
Asked how he expected to regulate the homosexual population, he elaborated: “It is easy. Once you have lured them in, such as with a rainbow, it is like shooting fish in a barrel. Except in Russia there are no fish. And no barrel. Just ice.”
The Sochi 2014 Olympic Organizing Committee has begun investigations into some of the athletes already regarding alleged homosexual activity. “Naturally, all male figure skaters have already been removed from competition,” states Alexander Zhukov, chair of the Committee.
“We’re also looking into Team GB’s Lizzy Yarnold. We expect that she has some skeletons in her closet.”
Currently, only UKIP in the UK have caught on to Russia’s plan with Councillor David Silvester recently blaming the UK’s winter flooding on gays, while Ellen DeGeneres going on holiday to New York is believed to be the cause of the US’s recent polar vortex.
There has been a rapid response from the international community, both in favour and against Russia’s plans.
Silvio Berlusconi has immediately backed Russia, stating he was devastated he had not thought of the plan himself. “First you control the gays, then you control the weather, then you get the women,” said the former Italian Prime Minister, draped in 3 prostitutes and elaborate tax evasion plans.
Scarlett Johansson, fresh from a visit to a SodaStream factory in the West Bank, is hoping to use the new scientific findings to re-establish her role as an Oxfam ambassador. At present, she is drawing up plans to parachute in a “considerable” amount of homosexuals into sub-Saharan Africa in a bid to end the arid conditions there.
However, some critics have pointed out that decimating the homosexuals will surely exacerbate climate change, to which Russian authorities replied that was “the entire idea”. Objections have arisen from within the country too, where protesters contained within the designated protest zone in Chernobyl have given Putin’s plan “3 thumbs down”.
While Russia appears content to let campaigners protest, Putin himself is well known for his harsh stance on dissent, with numerous conspiracy theories suggesting that he has been involved in the assassination of anyone who speaks out against hi——–
This editor regrets to inform Cause and Effect readers that Ryan, writer of this article, has been found dead in his house, due to suspected polonium-210 poisoning. The above form of this article was found on his laptop. We offer our greatest condolences to anyone who knew him.
His widow Liam survives him.