PM Urges Tighter Regulations on Neutrinos

After successfully defending the nation’s children from pornography (and dating, drugs, alcohol, tobacco, file sharing, gambling, games, social networking, suicide, self-harm, weapons, violence, socialism, hats and clouds) whilst not actually needing parents to do anything the British Primer Minister has a new target. Neutrinos.

Neutrinos are electrically neutral subatomic particles that are able to pass through normal matter unimpeded, making detection very difficult, resulting in Home Secretary Theresa May expressing her concerns that “we currently don’t know how many [neutrinos] are coming into the country illegally every day.” It has been predicted that about 65 billion solar neutrinos per second pass through every square centimetre of Britain, a figure described by the Daily Express as “Romanian-like”. The first policy against neutrinos took the form of a large van which, Ms. May reveals, will drive “aimlessly” around North London telling neutrinos that they should “go home”. The effect this will have on other well-established sub-atomic communities is still controversial.

Empty Liverpool Street
London’s Liverpool St. station has been simply overrun by neutrinos

Children are to be banned from bringing neutrinos into school as part of their packed lunches. They are to be replaced by state-approved school lunches, which will only provide the correct flavours of neutrinos (tau, muon and strawberry). Parents across the land were quick to fill online comment boxes with measured debate about the relative benefits of school lunches vs. lunch boxes, all accompanied by large sample sizes and statistical tests.

Physics students are also to be effected by the changes.  All courses on theoretical physics will require students to “opt-in” online.  The Daily Mail is reporting that physicists are engaged in watching “steamy particle on particle action” with a “negligible regard for the nation’s morals”.  The Mail promises to keep up its fight to “protect decency” by filling the side bar of its website with a “plethora of scantily clad women”.

Opponents think that parents should simply talk to their children about sub-atomic particles instead.  However Michael Gove, education secretary, has reported that the number of parents with PhDs in theoretical physics has fallen below 12% and so today’s parents just cannot cope with the post-neutrino world.

Labour leader Ed Miliband (Formally ED and the Miller Band) has described the plans as a “reactionary swing to the right” in the wake of UKIP’s success in the Eastleigh by-election.  Nigel Farage, UKIP leader, has applauded the plans: “for too long the Italian Neutrino has been the prime example of continental meddling in Britain”, while Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP, wants “…only British particles in schools and work places” such as the Higgs boson.

In a surprising turn of actually saying something clever, Ed Miliband has noted that both Tory policies and neutrinos have much in common “[with both being] largely theoretical concepts which just pass through you”.

By Liam and Ryan
A coalition for science

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