Today [22nd of July], the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a baby boy, much to the surprise of both the public and academia alike. The baby was born at 16:24 BST at St Mary’s hospital in Paddington; an event so shocking that the Queen’s gynaecologist Marcus Setchell was gobsmacked to find that the hospital was “even prepared for an event like this” especially since “this doesn’t happen everyday”. The baby is believed to have started as a single cell before undergoing many, at least 12, cell divisions before reaching its current state.
The exact mechanics which lead to the birth are sketchy at best and pure speculation at worse. A longtitudinal study, from Imperial College London, of over nine months has been following the Duchess and has just released some initial findings. A report on the university’s website reveals that “The Duchess received increased media attention after her common vagina (Vagina vulgaris) interlocked with the royal cock (Prince william)”. The study reports some movement between the two followed by the “transfer of an unknown white fluid and [on the Duchess’ face] a look of disappointment.”
Dr. Nigel Bayes, one of the lead researchers, has offered some insight into the probability behind the sex of the child; Bayes’ Theorem (as it is now known) postulates that the chance of the sex being male is “50%” as the result of the inheritance of “some discrete unit”. At present no such unit is known. Statistics carried out during the study has also revealed a “strong negative correlation” is seen between Royal menstruation and being with child, the cause of which is also unknown.
Now that the birth has occurred, the scientific eye will turn to the child, with biologists (occupying the newly created field of Developmental Biology) suggesting that the child is likely to inherit characteristics from both parents. Christine Volhard, a geneticist at the Max-Planck Institute, was able to briefly study the infant and released a statement saying that the “[the Royal Baby’s] inheritance seems to agree with Gregor Mendel’s preliminary investigations [with pea plants],” while stressing the groundbreaking observation that “the rules of inheritance seem to apply to both plants and humans.” However, science demands that as many variables as possible be taken into account when drawing conclusions. Thus we eagerly await Prince William fathering many more children with multiple women which might act as controls; henceforth known as a method of “birth control”. He appears to be following in his ancestors’ footsteps – for example Henry I appeared to be well versed in this particular aspect of scientific philosophy (n = 29).
Volhard is optimistic for the child’s future, adding “One can only hope he inherits his aunt’s arse.”
The public have also displayed a thirst for knowledge. Hundreds of members of the public have, bravely, disregarded the privacy of both the Duchess and other patients at the hospital to glean what information they can. People at the scene have reported “intense screams of pain” confirming that Royals have nociceptors (whether Royals can empathise with the public is still unconfirmed) and the “small clang” of a “silver spoon dropping from a vagina.”
To satisfy the public’s desire for this ground breaking event the BBC has sent their entire team, not just the news division, to the hospital with reporter Chris May seen leaving the site of a burning Mosque in Tipton whilst shouting out “babies!” and Richard Hammond, of Top Gear fame, promising to get there “as fast as he can”.
Does what ever common people do.