Tour de France Cyclist Collapses as Circulatory System Found to Lack Actual Blood

In the latest damaging development to tarnish the previously spotless reputation of international cycling, French rider Cyril Gautier fell from his bike in exhaustion earlier today during stage 19 of the Tour de France, and it was later revealed that, in alignment with the current wave of transhumanism sweeping the world of cycling, he had attempted to replace all of the blood in his body with a cocktail of performance-enhancing drugs.

The promising young Team Europcar rider, competing in his fourth Tour de France, had apparently ignored all medical warnings relating to the dangers of replacing a vital system with synthetic compounds including a lack of energy, breathlessness, infection and death, leaving many to wonder how he could even stand.

Witnesses report seeing him graze his knee when he fell, resulting in local fauna now capable of benching 80kg.

This is not the first controversy the Tour has seen this year. During stage 7, Dane Jakob Fuglsang was found to have illegally replaced his reproductive system with a jet propulsion booster, who defended himself claiming that “at least [my] drugs test was clean”. Further, in stage 13, it was discovered that Australian Michael Rogers was actually an octopus (Octopus vulgaris) riding a tandem. When reached for a comment, Team Saxo-Tinkoff manager Philippe Mauduit claimed he was unaware of the rule breach, although he had noticed that “Michael seemed to be taking on an unusually large amount of water and eating crabs with his mouth, which in retrospect is clearly a beak”.

These incidents of course all follow in the wake of two major controversies in recent years. The first involved Lance Armstrong in 2005, who could be seen at the front of the pack hastily trading his yellow jersey and one remaining testicle for a red blood cell top-up. Armstrong was well-known for never leaving the house without a clean sample of urine, although famously denied using drugs up until 2013, having previously only admitted to pedalling.

Fiddler Crab
Doping has spread to other species as well: in the Claw de France, many say the Fiddler crab isn’t even trying to hide its steroid use anymore

He further defended himself claiming: “I’ve conquered both France and cancer now. Both required copious amounts of drugs, and yet I only get congratulated for one. I call double standards.”

The second of these incidents relates to Bradley Wiggins, who, following accusations by opposing riders that his hair was actually a peregrine falcon he was using to distract them with, had to pull out of this year’s Tour. “I can see where the allegations stem from,” said Hugh Porter, former world champion and cycling commentator. “No one has hair that bad.”

When reached for a comment, Wiggins’ spokesman claimed “Yes, definitely spokes,” while pointing to a wheel.

Fortunately this year, no Brits have currently become embroiled in these sagas, although Team Sky rider Peter Kennaugh was caught in a sticky situation when he was found with three substances banned in France: soap, shampoo, and deodorant. Brit Chris Froome has also managed to avoid any punishment after his urine test came back positive only for the Pill, raising more questions than answers.

USA contender Jack Bauer has also been cleared of any wrong doing with regards to his drugs test, although during this year’s Tour he has lost his daughter and wife, prevented a nuclear war and killed several innocent civilians. However, progress is slow-going with each stage taking him 24 hours to complete (18 if you remove ad breaks).

In other sporting controversy, Australia’s dismal display during the 2nd Ashes test leads many to suspect that England captain Alastair Cook may have spiked the tea-break crumpets.

Ryan

What’s 2 balls minus 1? International shame brought upon your sport

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