Homophobes Called in to Save the Panda

With the Defence of Marriage Act (DOMA) being ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Courts, and same sex marriage being legalised in England and Wales, homosexuals and reasonable people around the world have been celebrating en flamboyant masse. Homophobes, however, are struggling to cope with such a drastic change to their world-view; bewildered and befuddled by their sudden free time, they can be seen roaming the land clinging on to whatever bigotry remains, including mispronouncing foreign names on purpose, reminiscing about when corner shops were only owned by whites, and reading the Daily Mail. As a group, homophobes tend to be focused on intercourse that does not involve them, so a large influx into the field of panda conservation has been observed. The WWF hopes that the Homophobes will bring with them “Organisation, determination, passion, bigotry and ignorance.”

Pandas, as has been scientifically shown, are the single most important endangered species alive. However, a spokesman from the WWF has suggested that, according to a recent survey, the British public is losing patience with the “black and white bastards” at their refusal to breed “even just a little bit”. The reduction in public support for their activities, bordering on anger, gives the homophobe a sense of connection with the panda not available to others conservationists.

Pathetic panda
Refusing to have sex and eating a single nutrient-poor plant. Evolution clearly forgot about the panda

Five homophobe academics at San Diego Zoo (home of one female and three male pandas) have recently published a paper entitled “Copulation Orientation Choices Kill Species” in the journal “Natural”. The paper proposes that the reason behind the failure of panda reproduction is black and white – captivity is “unnatural” and leads to an increase in male pandas “choosing” to be homosexual.

The group’s leader, Dr. Richard Irons, has issued a statement: “Much like humans at the age of 16, pandas must decide whether to be heterosexual or lead a life of sin”. The group’s website features a game in which children take on the role of adolescent pandas and choose which genitals they wish to spend the rest of their lives chasing.

The group have suggested two solutions.

The first is the creation of the world’s first “Panda Straight Camp” in which all male pandas in America are to be taken to a remote location with only “a single sex for company and emotional support” which should push them towards “panda vagina…any day now”. The second, requiring more effort, has the team “praying out the gay” with God expecting to reverse hardwired sexual circuitry “at some point… probably”.

The group also highlights additional areas of panda life that will improve. A recent study found that panda divorce has increased in recent years (Panda Marital Research, Divorce Issue, Volume 1). Dr. Irons‘ research has suggested that it is homosexual panda relationships that cause heterosexual relationships to fall apart “somehow”. By preventing “committed homosexual relationships” the group hopes that the divorce rate will plummet, families will stay together, and “adolescent pandas will stop dying themselves yellow in rebellion” (a current fad known as wasping).

There has been some criticism from those afraid of change. Those in opposition to the plans proposed from Dr. Iron’s group have, presumably after a celebratory homosexual orgy following DOMA’s demise, suggested that “Homosexuality is not a choice” and that even if it were it “doesn’t matter” and that they “do look good in these jeans”, while also highlighting that internment of pandas in camps may cause stress to the animals. The research group were quick to alleviate any fears that they were causing any harm; “we love the Sino-bear but hate the Sin.”

At present the group has yet to show any successful results in either panda population or public perception. When asked what their future plans were if their current research fails, Dr. Iron replied: “Hermaphroditic snails?” with a shrug.

Liam

What’s black and white and red all over? This article.

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