Scientists and Public Awed as Fertilised Zygote Comes to Term

Today [22nd of July], the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a baby boy, much to the surprise of both the public and academia alike. The baby was born at 16:24 BST at St Mary’s hospital in Paddington; an event so shocking that the Queen’s gynaecologist Marcus Setchell was gobsmacked to find that the hospital was “even prepared for an event like this” especially since “this doesn’t happen everyday”. The baby is believed to have started as a single cell before undergoing many, at least 12, cell divisions before reaching its current state.

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Tour de France Cyclist Collapses as Circulatory System Found to Lack Actual Blood

In the latest damaging development to tarnish the previously spotless reputation of international cycling, French rider Cyril Gautier fell from his bike in exhaustion earlier today during stage 19 of the Tour de France, and it was later revealed that, in alignment with the current wave of transhumanism sweeping the world of cycling, he had attempted to replace all of the blood in his body with a cocktail of performance-enhancing drugs.

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Homophobes Called in to Save the Panda

With the Defence of Marriage Act (DOMA) being ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Courts, and same sex marriage being legalised in England and Wales, homosexuals and reasonable people around the world have been celebrating en flamboyant masse. Homophobes, however, are struggling to cope with such a drastic change to their world-view; bewildered and befuddled by their sudden free time, they can be seen roaming the land clinging on to whatever bigotry remains, including mispronouncing foreign names on purpose, reminiscing about when corner shops were only owned by whites, and reading the Daily Mail. As a group, homophobes tend to be focused on intercourse that does not involve them, so a large influx into the field of panda conservation has been observed. The WWF hopes that the Homophobes will bring with them “Organisation, determination, passion, bigotry and ignorance.”

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