Dr David Coeles, a geneticist at the Cavendish Laboratory at the University of Cambridge, has revealed that he has been “playing God” for the past few years.
Dr. Coeles admits “flirting” with the idea much earlier, having being previously accused of playing God by anti-GM protestors worried that his “apples of knowledge” would cross breed with less “intelligently designed” apples. However, after his most recently published paper “Garden of E. coli” (Nature 494), Dr. Coeles admitted “I am the Way the Truth and the Electromagnetic Radiation.”
In another experiment, titled “The First Step to the Trinity”, Coeles was able to complete the first human clone. This involved taking the nucleus from one of his own cells and inserting it into a enucleated oocyte obtained from the ovary of a virgin. The result was a genetically identical healthy boy – both Coeles’ son, and Coeles himself.
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Coeles has elaborated on his idea of his Trinity further, stating: “Until such a time when evidence of a soul is convincing, and it can be isolated, this bottle of baptised mineral turpentine will complete the Trinity.”
Despite his recent appointment to Godhood there have been some critics of his work, in particular the ethics revolving human cloning. Coeles’ (recently formed) followers have retorted, “How dare you try to understand the mind of David?”
Ever since his Ascension Coeles has become un-responsive to any emails sent to him and when he does reply his answers are “vague, ambiguous and open to interpretation” (See also: British Journal of Sociology). His current PhD and undergraduate students have reported “no change”. The Westboro Baptist Church has, allegedly, emailed asking for his opinions concerning “Fags”.
Prospective students in the Coeles’ lab are expected to have a much more difficult time at future interviews. The “Father of all” has recently been asking for the “first born sons” of applicants and the forging of “eternal covenants” maintained by the “circumcision of male children”, as well as “at least three academic references.”
Coeles will not let his new found omnipotence affect his academic output, promising to use his “fish and bread division skills” to end poverty in Africa the very second they start “praying enough.” And although he no longer requires peer review, and can publish “anything he wants” and people will still believe it, he is pushing ahead with new investigations. His most recently proposed experiment, according to a fellow academic, has shown the same level of design and forward thinking that “gives a human a completely useless organ that occasionally ruptures and kills you”.
Daily Mail readers have been ecstatic since it confirms not only the “arrogance of intellectuals” but also that God is “…honest, hard working and, most importantly, British.”
Many American scientists have also admitted to being Gods since it gives their research groups tax-exempt status. Dr. Coeles was quick to tweet his followers “…do not worship false investigators, I am the real God (P<0.05).”
From the Gospel of Liam
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