Professor John Delingpole of the University of East Anglia, the Univeristy at the centre of the infamous Climategate, has finally admitted that man-made climate change is one massive hoax orchestrated by the entire global scientific community and that “rising sea levels, global temperature rising, warming oceans, shrinking ice sheets, declining Arctic sea ice, the retreat of glaciers, increase in the number of record temperatures and ocean acidification” which were all previous explained logically as a consequence of human activity increasing CO2 production are in fact “probably something else”.
Delginpole admits that although Mr John Havisham of Blackpool has no formal training in environmental or climate science, his theory that the weather “doesn’t seem that different to me” is completely accurate. He also confesses that Havisham’s sample size, “everyone [he] knows”, is perfectly adequate to describe phenomena with planetary consequences.
NASA is already shutting down its Climate Change research division, explaining that the “1000s of man and woman hours, and millions of dollars” spent designing computer models which accurately represent past, present and future weather patterns were “complete bollocks”.
In a press announcement, Delingpole has explained that he finally broke the silence concerning the climate conspiracy after “tiring” of being a “puppet to the industrial giants of climate neutralisation”. He has also spoken of regret of his actions, repenting how they “unfairly” tarnished the reputation of the philanthropic oil industry.
He also admitted that one of the major factors was the perfectly written piece by Clarkson J et al appearing in respected journal “The Sun”, which correctly asserted that “…as a society, we can continue to keep producing CO2 at high levels with no negative effects…BMW…Porsche…Power”.
Commentators on the Daily Mail forums have been showing unprecedented levels of smugness after Delingpole’s revelation, as it strengthens their world view that climate change was merely a plot by “liberal/progressive/socialists revolutionaries keen to meddle with British traditions”, as articulated by the user LastBrition9 on the Daily Mail website.
Al Gore, Mr Inconvenient himself, has posted on his own website the following statement, “The conclusions of thousands of peer reviewed articles and hundreds of academic societies, including the American Association of Petroleum Geologists, which all agree that (at the very least) mankind should be reducing its usage of fossil fuels and production of CO2 are complete rubbish”. It concludes that “the Earth does have infinite resources and we should act accordingly, and even if climate change were true (which it is categorically not) that would be no reason to develop alternate forms of energy, which would be financially wasteful and reckless.”
The American Army are particular excited by the news since it means that “wars for oil” can continue for all eternity.
Full of Hot Air