Conservative Gene Highly Conserved Among Conservatives

This past month has been deemed the worst month of the Con-Dem Government. The majority of unpopular decisions rest with the Conservative party, and the overwhelming public opinion that Tories are living up faithfully to the “Toff” moniker so many of their political opponents were quick to label them.

The question that now faces the Tory government is: Can they shake this image and reinvent themselves to appeal to the public once again? Scientists at the Wellcome Trust for Human Genetics say no.

William Whig’s research team has taken genetic samples from 85% of the currently serving Conservative MPs and compared them to 50 “non-Tory” individuals. The results were astounding; all of the Tory genomes contained a gene which, in the “non-Tory” samples, was only found to be a pseudogene. This gene has been named ETON (Endemic Tory Origin Nucleotides).

The 100% distribution of the ETON gene has been linked to high levels of inbreeding within the Tory population and the desire to “associate with one’s own”. The lack of a functional ETON protein in non-Tories is hypothesised to be due to strong selective pressures against displaying Toff-like behaviours in certain populations or regions, such as Liverpool.

The gene has been linked to a surprising number of behaviours seen in the Tory population, suggesting genetic determinism for their activities. During evolutionary history, one important consideration is the way individuals of a populations manage resources such as food and large sums of money.  It is thought to explain the desire for Tories to exchange their “honours” for “cash” in a symbiotic relationship with species known as Donors.

Tories are known to migrate to off shore locations to protect their offspring, behaviour also linked to the ETON gene. The migration has an additional benefit by allowing Tories to avoid the pressures of the British environment, such as tax and calls for increased transparency in Government.

Feeding habits are also believed to be linked to this ETON gene, and Tories’ taste buds have just not evolved to enjoy the “honest working class treat” that is the warm British Pasty reports Whig.

Tories haven taken this research to heart and have already started to produce new campaign posters for future re-elections, the prototype poster contains the phrase “Tory! Born a Toff, Always a Toff. Get over it!”

Ed Milliband has been quick to label such claims of genetic explanations “insubstantial” and stands firmly convinced that being a Toff is a “life choice.” Critics of Mr Milliband have pointed out that those most vocally opposed to Conservatives often carry “Toff-tendencies” and exhibit similar behaviours in terms of resource management.

The Whig group has not passed comment on the large donations they recently received from an unknown individual who had “some money left over from paying [their taxes].”

David Cameron ended last Wednesday Prime Minister’s Questions with a succinct defence of his life style, “we’re here, we’re rich and you best bloody well get used to it”.

Liam

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