In a case of “text book homoeopathy” Sam Hahn, of the British Homoeopathy Association, has discovered a novel way in which the Influenza virus can be transmitted, explaining the recent fatal flu epidemic in Northern Germany.
Homoeopaths, as early as 1796, showed that water retains an essential property of a substance when said substance is diluted to the level of (or below) one atom per universe. This dilute solution is then shaken releasing a healing force which improves the body’s Vital Spirit.
Hahn has realised that the Virus could have easily undergone the “dilution and shaking required to reach 0 parts per trillion, turning water into a killing machine” once entering the water supply.
The World Health Organisation (WHO) have recruited other scientists to help with the current infection. Prof. W.E Bulter has reported that those suffering from flu experience a change in Aura. He is to set up an onsite laboratory for “Systematic Correlation Aura Measurement” which for a small fee identifies infected Auras. The procedure has to be conducted “one person at a time, in an isolated room and [Butler] cannot tell you how [he] does it you just have to trust [him]”.
The WHO has also warned that individuals with “significantly short life lines on their palms” should avoid travelling to Germany. The WHO also advises the public to read their own palms but stress “no medical action should be taken before consulting a professional [palm reader]”and warn against panic buying of Quartz crystals and that sufferers should stick to “scientifically proven medical treatment”.
Astrologers are promising that those born under Taurus “will experience an innate immunity to dilute Influenza Virus. Also Venus’ position in the sky will make successful relationship endeavours more likely”.
Several celebrities has given interviews in which they reveal they were not taking LSD but that a tiny amount must have entered the water supply and been diluted. A smaller number have reported being able to see Auras and are to be flown into the danger areas as make-shift prognosis providers.
Environmentalists were quick to exploit the recent victory for homeopathic science by pointing out that the large amounts of chemicals, carcinogens and waste pumped into the oceans could start to negatively affect humans in a similar way. Hahn has pointed out that such sensationalism is unfounded and that “the concentrations in the ocean are much too high to effect humans in such a way, and the damage is restricted to fish and other aquatic animals.”
Conservationists have taken a leaf out of the homeopathic textbook, assuming that the principle of extreme dilution applies to ocean-dwelling animals. They suggest that the most powerful and viable species are now those closest to extinction. New conservation plans include the reintroduction of whaling and copious numbers of oil spillages.
Hahn is hopeful that his proof of homeopathic infection will result in increased homeopathic teaching in schools. He concldues “for too long children’s minds have been filled with ‘alternative’ science drivel like Hisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle and Cell Theory”.
Born Under A Wanderin’ Star