Mothers’ Sayings Turn Out to be True, Boy with Square Eyes Discovers

This past week traditional mothers’ sayings are turning out to be true and influencing real life. The discovery was initially made by 8 year old Jason Cracknell, who, despite repeated warnings by his mother, realised that he had square eyes after “sitting in front of that damn screen” for 6 hours straight.

“Mum always told me that I’d get square eyes…How was I supposed to know that it could actually happen?!” Little Jason exclaimed. “Look at me! I’m a freak,” the circus reject with quadrilateral retinas added.

Once Cracknell noticed that his eyes had ceased being their usual oval shape, he reportedly spent several hours watching a circular pot in an attempt to return his visual sensory organs to their former circular glory. While the results of this attempt are unclear at this time, we do know that the water in the pot never boiled.

Clearly then, this phenomenon is not restricted to one incident. Children all over the world were caught short when the wind changed, leaving their faces disfigured, abnormal, and downright ugly. Some controversial reports are coming in suggesting that this particular aspect has actually been going on for many years, citing Steven Tyler as evidence. However, when reached for a comment, Tyler stated his face had “always been like that.”

Other critics have questioned the validity of the observations, pointing out that a “significant percent” of them were made in Leeds, Cornwall and Norfolk.

In the USA, police are reporting an increase in shootings being heard across the country. When investigated further, small passerines were being killed to prevent any more secrets being told. Shooters were apparently mostly hormone deficient youths, attempting to “put hairs on their chests”.

Elsewhere, entomologists are reportedly abandoning traditional vinegar fly traps and switching to more contemporary honey variants.

Ryan

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