Conservationist Unveils New Plan to Boost Funds and Interest in Conservation

Conservation is a thankless task.  Those you save are unable to communicate their gratitude, you fight the giants of industry and ignorance and you are completely reliant on donations.  In these times of economic uncertainty it is movements like conservationism that are hit the hardest.

Arthur Turnure, a magazine editor, sets to change this by using his knowledge of the glamour magazine industry to increase the money flowing into conservation.  He was elected Artistic Director of the World Wildlife Foundation (WWF) one year ago.  His first plan, “Kiss or Cull” was immediately implemented at the Kaziranga Tiger reserve in India.  The plan involves removing the “least adorable, least cool and least majestic animals” in a population and selectively breeding the most aesthetically pleasing.

When asked for his reasons for implementing this plan, he replied “I’m doing it for future generations of Conservationists…it’ll be easier getting funding for cuter animals.”

His blog contains a video explaining his inspiration, the simple house cat. “Cats have never been endangered, why?” the video asks, “Because they are adorable. Unlike the engendered Trilobite Beetle which seems to embody death itself.”  He also defends his strategy of killing the least “majestic” tigers. Stating; “What do people want to save? The noble Tiger or the child killing bastard that is the [United Kingdom’s] Cuckoo?  More majesty, more money.”

Turnure has revamped the WWF campaign posters stating “photoshop and airbrushing works for humans, why not for the rare Black-and-white ruffed Lemur too?”  In the six months since the posters have been released People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) have reported a 63% increase in Lemur anorexia and bulimia. PETA also fear that “other animals will try to copy the unnatural images shown in the media”.

The WWF have given a press release which states “[eating disorders] are infinitely preferable to being shot through the head because people think your paws are magic” and that “birds have been regurgitating food for their offspring for millions of years, and they seem fine.”

Economist Dr Fan Li, China, also highlighted the financial sense behind such a plan, focusing on the amount of money one can charge to “adopt” a single animal in the wild. “As animal numbers decrease the amount you can charge per animal rises exponentially. In this instance less is, in fact, more. Much more.”

One of the strongest supporters of the plan is noted conservationist Leonardo DiCaprio who has tweeted “I think this is a genius move, I mean no-one would listen to me about conservation if I looked like Al Gore.”

All the animals featured in this article are currently endangered. Your move humanity.

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