Anger at Lack of Higgs Boson Particle Sparks Riots in England

The discontent at the lack of knowledge about the Higgs Boson particle has finally reached breaking point this week, igniting riots across England.

The so-called “God” particle, originally predicted in 1964, is thought to be responsible for providing the mass of all other particles, but as yet, the amount of direct evidence for the elusive species is minimal. It is currently being researched in CERN’s Large Hadron Collider (LHC) by smashing protons together.

Recently, some data has hinted at the Higgs Boson particle, but those across the channel are not satisfied.

“So a few blips come up on their data which just happens to be in the same region as the gigaelectronvolt (GeV) value we were expecting for HB, and we’re supposed to jump for joy? I think not,” stated one disgruntled rioter, while whaling on a bystander.

“I could shit more interesting bumps in di-photon invariant mass spectra,” he continued, as he looted a large packet of basmati rice from a supermarket.

The riots appear to be highly co-ordinated, and themed around the LHC. The first signs of a disturbance took place within a 27 kilometre ring, the same size as the collider in Switzerland. Furthermore, rioters have been noted as comparing the subsequent gun fights with proton-proton collisions, though of course noting that bullets don’t travel anywhere near the speed of light.

Those involved in the melee have also been heard shouting “take your unification of weak nuclear force and electromagnetic force and shove it”, while throwing petrol bombs into buildings containing unsuspecting arts majors.

Father Benjamin Cooper was found this morning, heavily beaten and with several broken bones. He was one of many priests found this way, thought to be due to them providing Mass on Sundays.

In response to the riots, Mayor of London Boris Johnson has vowed that a “full investigation will be launched”, and that, if necessary, he will “find this blasted particle” himself.

On a related note, proponents of evolution have been rallying to have a nice get together to discuss the plethora of evidence for the theory of natural selection.

Ryan

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