Spotify Demands Sacrifices to Appease Music Gods

Spotify, the free music streaming programme, has announced plans that, if users wish to continue using their services, current listeners will be required to make sacrifices to the music divinities.

“The service has become incredibly popular. People are listening to more music,” says Daniel Ek, co-founder of the Anglo-Swedish company. “Unfortunately, the powers above don’t like anyone becoming too powerful.”

“Just look at what happened to Kurt Cobain,” he continued, while nervously glancing upwards.

This is the reason, Ek explains, for forcing customers to take part in the ritual killing of a fellow creature, be it a goat, lamb or first born child. The latter will give premium users 6 months of free subscription.

“We are constantly trying to get people to pay but we prefer using carrots rather than sticks,” Ek reasons. “At the end of the day, we’ve got our harvests to think of.”

However, the idea has been poorly received by users of the service, though many agreed that Spotify had always appeared “too good to be true” and that they “wouldn’t want to anger the spirits of the deceased”.

One user, Mark Walker from Newcastle, has stated that he is disappointed with the new terms and conditions, explaining that he “left piracy to get away from all the killing,” though he was looking forward to the “thrill of breaking the law,” as well as the “pillage, plunder and rape that goes with the territory.”

Another user, known only as Vilkyrk the heretic slayer, has backed the move, declaring that it would give him “an opportunity to use his Sacred Sword of Dragonfire again.”

Meanwhile, many music labels have backed the move, including the likes of Universal, Warner Music and Sony, who were tired of sacrificing promising young singers to Simon Cowell.


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